The Dam Letter

This is the funniest dam account I have ever heard!
This is actually a true story and the account of the investigation makes it even better...


This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania . This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter.
SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated. The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted.
The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2006. Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions. Sincerely, David L. Price District Representative and Water Management Division.


Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run, Pennsylvania. A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English. In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2006? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then. In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump! Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
THANK YOU.
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

Indecent Exposure

Some girls just want to have fun. Some girls have too much!

On this particular day, it was my birthday. My two best friends, Jade and Daisy, had traveled up north to celebrate this occasion.

It was a beautiful July evening, the stars were all you could see. I left my house to met my friends at "Hayslips Corner". Hayslips is the local establishment, also well known as, the "Oldest Bar in the State of Minnesota". Trust me, it shows...

Very rusty and dusty, with lots of dead animals on the walls. The floors are so uneven that you don't have to be drunk to walk like a drunk. The pool table legs are adjusted as low as they will go on one side, and a few 2x4's under them on the other side. But the tables are level and the hospitality is like no other!

As we sat and caught up on good old times, the gossip and complaining about our men, we enjoyed our favorite summertime beverage. Long Island Ice Teas, the taste of summer and the batteries for three girls. We sang karaoke, as we usually did when we went out. Our motto was, " the drunker you are the better you sound". Of course, we all know that's not the reality of it. As the night went on and we were well lit up from excitement, it was bar closing time. We finished up and went outside. After much discussion as to what we were going to do next, we decided to go swimming. We always went swimming at night.

There are about 15 lakes in a five mile radius of where I live, so take your pick. My two German shepherds, Arizona and Cody were with me. They too enjoy a peaceful evening swim. We threw our clothes up on the dock and away we went, in the nude. Ahh! The water was warm and the moonlight was just bright enough to see. You can go out to the middle of the lake before the water gets over your head. It made the lake comfortable and inviting to explore. It was about 3am and after much fun in the water, we grabbed our clothes off of the dock, which mine were soaked from the dogs. The other girls were smart enough to hang them on the posts!

In route to my house we went. Not long after we left the boat landing, I saw car lights behind me, that got closer and closer. Then I saw the swirling red lights, and the ear crushing sound of a siren. I knew I was screwed. I pulled over without hesitation, and waited. He walks toward my truck with his flashlight, and approaches my window. He stated that he received a "noise complaint", and in about mid-sentence, his flashlight caught me and he stop talking. It was at that point that he noticed that I was completely naked. He scrambled for the words, but he did manage to say, "maim, your naked"! I explained to him that, "we were swimming and my dogs got my clothes all wet". He didn't seem as though he knew what to do next. He asked me if I had been drinking, naturally I told him "yes". He walked back to his car, then comes back and says, "maim, I would like you to blow on this". Being dark and all and with my two intoxicated friends next to me, we all busted out laughing. At that point I think he realized what he had said. I did do the breathelizer, of which I know I couldn't of passed. I explained to him that I lived about five miles away and was on my way home. To my amazement he says, "well, this may be your lucky night, but it's my lucky night too". "Go home and next time don't be so loud at the boat landing".

We laughed all the way home.

3 years have passed and everytime I see the officer, he reminds me of that night. With a great big smile!

Why you say, why?

I chose life's little embarrassments, because it is a reminder that life is not perfect. I find embarrassments a natural part of being human. It also gives us something to look back on and laugh!

Unload and Reload

Is it possible to unload and reload a boat at the

same time? Well... It was my first trip to the

Rainy River to go fishing with my husband, Jeremy. He goes every Spring with a group of friends to catch a trophy Sturgeon. We enjoyed a long, relaxing drive through the great northern landscapes of towering pines and majestic lakes. As we reached Birchdale, a campground on the borderwaters of the United States and Canada, we decided to scope out the campsites available.

We were fortunate enough to find a beautiful, private campsite, tucked just under a stand of red pines. It had an amazing view onto the river, private boat access and was close to the biffy.

After unloading our main gear from the back of the pick up, we headed for the boat landing.

When we approached the parking lot, there were a huge gathering of people standing around, drinking beer and chatting with friends. As it was the 4th of July weekend, many people had gathered for a weekend of family fun and fishing. Waiting for our turn to unload, I was mesmerized by the grandeur of the water and sky. I got out of the truck and walked to the shore to guide the boat back. That was our ritual, he backs it into the water, I dock it. We have done this a million times in the last eight years. As he starts to back the boat up he tells me, "don't let the boat go too far out, the current is too strong." I was a little apprehensive after this statement, as this was the largest river I've ever been on. I thought the Mississippi was big, the Rainy is bigger! At least in this state. The river was alive, white caps danced across the surface. You could hardly see the other side, just a short treeline twinkled in the sun.

We proceeded to back the boat into the water, as always, I unlatched the hook from the trailer and grabbed the rope. The boat had released from the trailer and ready to dock. Jeremy had reminded me not to let it out too far, as he drew the trailer back out of the water. Before I could turn my head back, the trailer had caught the front side of the boat and started to drag it back up to shore. I immediately started to scream, "stop! stop!" My efforts were hopeless as the bass thumping sound of David Allen Coe was echoing in the truck. I tried with all I had to push the boat back in, but with no success. The trailer came out of the water, as well as did the boat. It was turned on its side, wedged between a rock and a log. A sudden silence came upon the campground. The gentle breeze echoed the chuckles from over here, and the oh's an ah's over there. People seemed as though they had seen a terrible wreck in a demolition derby. In my efforts to humor my embarrassment, I told the people standing near me, that I was attempting a first time emergency evacuation method. Jeremy, got out of the truck and walked toward me as though he was going to put me out of my misery. Not many words were spoken, just some very dangerous looks. Luckily, some bystander's were nice enough to help us unlodge the boat and get it back into the water. Yes, there was damage, but not enough to ruin our fishing. Needless to say, I was glad to have picked a very private campsite. We were too embarrassed to be seen by the other campers. Many lessons could be learned from this, but I say that next time, we'll turn the radio down when unloading the boat!

My first trip to the Rainy river was a memorable one. Our weekend of fishing was successful, I caught my very first Sturgeon, 49 inches. It was worth the embarrassment!

Confidential Information!

For those of us who work in the health care field, we all know that confidentiality is a huge issue. We are all signed and sworn to it, or else... I received a phone call from the emergency room, a nurse asked for Jillian. She proceeded to tell me that one of my patients had just arrived to receive emergency treatment. I was instructed to go to this patient's home to retrieve their psych. medications. When I asked her who's home I was going to, she told me "I'm sorry, I can't tell you that." "It's confidential." My face started to get a little warm, and I dug way deep to find a polite way to respond to this statement. After a long pause, I kindly asked her "how am I suppose to go to their house, if I don't know where I'm going?" She seemed very dumbfounded! After explaining to her that I have about 20 patients and couldn't possibly go to everyone of their homes to find out which one was missing. She stated again, "I'm sorry, I can't give out that information." "It's confidential." My blood is boiling by now. Thinking this lady may be one of my psych. patients. I asked, "is this some kind of sick joke, have you been taking your meds?" After I figured out that the rocket scientist on the other line was really a RN from the Grand Rapids emergency room, I told her "look, I will name off all of the patients that I have and when I've got the right one, sneeze!" So, this was how I figured out where to go to get the medication for the highly intoxicated... Well, I can't tell you because it's confidential!