"Littering"

It never fails that I get a good laugh out of everyday life. I thought when I had to come home and tell my husband that I had a bad day... It is bad. In reality they are not even worth mentioning compared to some people I know. Upon this abrupt realization... I just laugh!

It was a few days ago, when I was at work putting away the laundry. My co-worker, we'll call her "Slick", took it upon her dear heart to empty and clean all the cat litter boxes in the community. Just so you can visualize this... we have about 10 litter boxes posted around the community for our two mangy cats, "Rico" & "Suave".

After painstakingly handling several piles of @#*T out of their boxes and into the large black garbage bag. Next, she put all the fresh boxes back into their proper spots. She then proceeds to dispose of this large black garbage bag full of cat @#*T and litter by tieing it up and hauling it down to the main garbage bin, which is about 200 Ft away.

I thought nothing of it and continued to put my freshly folded laundry away into each of our elders closets. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed a line on the carpet....................

My eyes examined further.................. to discover that ........ Oh my gosh!

Before I could say anything to her... The bag burst open and...

all that cat @#*T and litter was spread everywhere in the middle of the floor. Yes, it was a carpeted floor also! And yes it was in front of the nursing station, spread about 30 ft down the hall.

Call me evil but, I busted out laughing!! I couldn't stop... I have never, in all my life, ever thought I would witness 50lbs of cat @#*T being spread across the floor!
One little trail that lead to the big surprise.

Due to the fact that I'm allergic to cats, their danders and bodily fluids, I didn't take part in cleaning it up. I did hold the bag open though.

Needless to say, I never did stop laughing that day...
And for "slick"...
Well...
the name stuck!

Farts!

Farting is a universal embarrassment all over the world. We all do it, and yes, it's always embarrassing (unless your alone). I have classified them in order to express the different forms of this natural occurance. Feel free to give me more ideas to add to this:

Plain Jane> One-second duration, nice resonant reverberation, and pungent odor cloud with a nearly instantaneous 5-foot radius. Your standard, everyday, friendly fart.

Beefy One> Sounds loud and butch, e.g., 'BRAAAMMPPP!' Smells like a cross between a decaying meadow muffin on a hot day and a fresh dog-turd.

Eggy> Smells very much like rotten eggs. A powerful odor which tends to put people off lunch. Often rips out in the fashion of a Bunbuster (see below).

Ripper> Sends seismic ripples to the next town. Rips the seams in the crotch of your pants. This fart genuinely hurts, and you can still feel it 20 minutes later. Anyone sitting nearby may experience hearing loss.

Surprise!> You didn't even know that it was there, but suddenly . . . 'BRRMP!

Squeaky> Puny and unsatisfying. Sounds a bit like a muffled "Wheeeek", but smells foul.

Worrier> The kind that seems to be a fart right up to the point at which you release it. At this stage, matters become less sure, as it feels too solid for comfort. You go to the bathroom and check your underpants at the first possible opportunity.

Not Now Please!> You feel the presence of a mighty fart but are unable to release it due to your situation (first date, new customer, important business meeting, etc.). You clench your buttocks together so hard you nearly have a stroke, and wait for the pressure to subside. Success depends upon a number of factors, but in the end you're probably going to have to face the music (literally). Or you can try the stealth approach (see below).

Who, Me?> You let it out as silently as possible and nobody hears it. You discreetly take deep sniffs and smell nothing. You think you got away with it. But 30 seconds later, as if released from a stasis field, everybody starts to cough and splutter. You point to the person next to you and try to look innocent.

Poopie Prelude> It feels like it's going to be a large beefy one, but out comes a tiny little squeaker fart plus the head of something massive. You tense your buttocks fast, lest you give birth to the brown equivalent of a zeppelin.

Blanket Ripping> Farting in bed and then pulling back the covers and sniffing one's own fart is a perfectly acceptable practice. However, pushing your loved one's head under (or Dutch-ovening) must rank as a crime against humanity! This is a very common male habit and I cannot stress enough that it is very unpleasant for the victim.

And last but not least, my most favorite of all types:
The Bathtub Fart>
People who would never in their life know one fart from another, who would like to act like farts don't exist, will have to admit that a Bathtub Fart is something special. It is the only fart you can see! What you see is the bubbles. The Bathtub Fart can be either single or multiple noted and fair or foul as to odor, it makes no difference. The farter's location is what does it. Maybe there is a kind of muffled pong and one big bubble. Or there may be a ping ping ping and a bunch of bubbles. The sound I should point out depends somewhat on the depth of the water and even more on the tub. If it is one of those big old heavy tubs with the funny legs you can get terrific sound effects. While one of the new thin ones half buried in the floor can be disappointing. But either way, as long as the water is deep enough, whatever the sound, up comes the bubble or bubbles and you have to be quick but glance back over your shoulder and you have seen it, the Bathtub Fart, the most positively identifiable fart known to man. It is a common fart and strictly for your own enjoyment unless you are a kid still young enough to take baths with your friends.

An interesting fact:
The average numer of farts per day: Men 15-17 / Women 8-9

Little Critter

One of my most embarrassing moment as a teenager is one that I will never forget, due to the fact that I am a parent know too.

When I was about 16, I was dating this gorgeous guy that my mother liked very much. He was respectful, intelligent, did I mention... Gorgeous! Anyways, he was usually at my house until late at night. We would stay in my room and talk, listen to music, and put together puzzles.

I will be telling this story from my mothers point of view, as if she were telling it.

I had come home from wok one night, as I usually did about 11:00 pm. After putting my groceries away and letting the dog out, I went upstairs to change clothes in my bedroom.
About half way up the stairs, I heard this, squeaking noise... sqeeeekk, sqweeekkk...
I thought to myself, "that daughter of mine had better not being doing what I think she's doing in there". The noise had then stopped and I didn't think anymore about it. I could hear them talking in her bedroom, so I left it alone an thought maybe it was something different.

The next night, when I came home, the same thing. I had sat in my room and listened to the squeaking noise for quite some time. Trying to ignore what I thought, I turned on the t.v. to take my mind off of it. I didn't want to impose on her personal affairs. Later, I heard my daughter's boyfriend leave for the night and she was fast asleep.

The morning after, we talked about birth control over breakfast. My daughter gave me the "I know" attitude and ensured me that she would let me know when it was time to start those precautions.

Of course, the night after that, when I came home from work. I noticed that her boyfriends car was there. I thought it would be a good idea to knock on the door, and we all could talk about the "sex" thing.

Until...

I came up the stairs, and I heard it again! Sqeeeeekkk... This time I was so mad that I sat outside my bedroom until the squeaking stopped and pounded on the door. My daughter opened up the door and greeted me with a warm smile, as did her boyfriend. I noticed that they had been painting a picture on the wall and had paint all over them. At this point, I thought, "there is no way they could of been having sex, because they couldn't have got dressed and started painting that fast".
I proceeded to ignore it and asked them if they were hungary.

But, later on, I noticed it again. At this point I was not going to stand for this type of behavior in my house! I marched upstairs... opened the door... and there they were....

Painting!

My daughter, in confusion, asked me what I was doing. I was dumbfounded!
Next, I proceeded to explain to her that I thought they were having sex in her bedroom for the last three nights.

In much embarrassment, my daughter pointed over at the hampster cage in the corner of the sitting room, just outside her bedroom. It was just the hampster, spinning in his wheel...

The Whole Time!