SEX

I will have to admit, having sex should never be embarrasing. Although, there are situations that warrant retribution. Imagine deeply riding inner centrifical motion, when there is nothing more than a feeling that surrounds you... The woman giving you all this pleasure was squat on the ground inside you furiously ravaging her own needs, when all of a sudden...

...Someone or something is licking her from behind. Rooted into the ground and nearly reaching the point of no return, she turns around...

There was a dog licking her pussy!

...So, she swatted it away to get back into the sweet taste of her flowering bush, and victory...

....The angels singgg......

The two woman lay rest their flesh beside each other to look at the sky, when...

...the old man from through the woods in standing next to you!

With a Big Smile...

He says,"Thank you!" and walked away.

'Tis the Season... to Fall-a-la-la-lot...

I know that everyone has had a embarrassing "fall" at some point in their life. Whether it is missing that next step down the stairs... and you smack your ass cheeks on every single one on the way down, or tripping over a tree stump on a romantic walk, it is always a humorous but painful experience.

Being that it is winter time again, this just opens up probably the best displays of "falls" I've ever seen. You know, when your driveway and sidewalk get icy and covered in snow?

When I was young and to poor to buy ice skates, my brothers and I would tie bread bags onto our triple layered stocking feet. This was some of the best winter fun ever and I think they are better than ice skates. You slide better, spin better, and of course fall better to. Try it!

When I see people fall, it reminds me of what you would see in a cartoon... Some people come walking outside and start the Scooby-Doo scuffle, when your feet are moving faster than you can think about it. Sometimes this can be corrected, but mostly it always ends up with your ass on the ground.

I love when someone is trying to go up a hill in the winter, and every step you take you just can go any further. Like walking on a slippery tread-mill, if you don't keep up with it you'll fall on your face. I did this the other day when I was walking up the hill behind my house. What a site, my girls laughed and laughed. I tried and tried to get up that hill, but I never moved forward and ended up with a face full of snow. I should of just tried going the other way, but my German blood is too strong!

I was outside talking to a friend of mine after work and I reached into my car to start the motor and when I looked back to her, she was not there... I found her under her car! I wish I would of seen it. I did get a laugh at how she got in the position she was in, which was very much under the car.

I will never forget last winter when my kids and I were outside sliding down the driveway... which is a steep hill and I threw a ball down it to see if my dog (Jack-a 4 month old German Shepard) could fetch it for me. Do you remember the scene from Bambi, when he goes out on the ice pond for the first time and lands flat on his belly, all four stickin' out and spinnin' in circles? Well, that is exactly what Jack had done. I went to try it again because I wanted to get it on video. So, I threw the ball , started the camera... and then I started... down the hill!
I free-styled all the way down and ended up going backwards, rolling head over tea kettle about three times and landing in a bank of snow about 100 yards away from where I started. My girls thought that way the coolest trick ever, and of course they wanted me to do it again, and of course I didn't. But, I have it all on camera, from my view anyways!

I love to watch people walk in the winter time, it always amazes me at how many different approaches people will take to get where they are going. I remember going to the grocery store after work, and a lady was crawling accross the parking lot. I thought "ok, she is obviously a wack-job and I won't ask questions", but I had to because I'm just like that. She proceeded to explain that if she was upright that she would just fall down and she didn't wasn't to risk breaking a hip. I thought, "fine, everybody is a different flavor", until she got up and it's like she had slipped on a banana peel, and down she went. Of course, I helped her up and escorted her into the store... but, I laughed the whole time. >My bad, bad ways!<

Hot Doctor

We all have been to the doctor, some more than others. And there is always that young, gorgeous doctor with the tight...

Well, when I started working at the new Bigfork hospital, all new employees were required to have a physical exam with one of the doctors at the clinic. So, I made an appointment with the first doctor available. I have never been seen at this clinic by any of these doctors, so I have no idea who they are.

I came back a few days later to have my physical exam done and report to work. The nurse did the usual weight, blood pressure... and the doctor will be in, in a few minutes speal. I got into my paper robe, ya know the ones that let your ass hang out, and waited for my doctor. He knocks on the door and comes in, greets me and shakes my hand. WOW! Was he hot! I told him, "if I knew you were going to be my doctor, I would have shaves my legs first. His face was a beautiful shade of magenta at this point. I then proceeded to ask him, with a smile on my face, "will you be doing a vaginal exam also?" He looks on the paper, and asked me when I had my last one, I told him about 5 months ago. He stuttered out a "nnaaoo, I don't think today you'll need one, but come back six months from now." I assured him I would do that, and his face turned an even more interesting shade of fushia.

Of course, since we were both new to the Bigfork Valley team, there was conversation to be had during this physical. Since then, I see him in the hall and he instantly gets that red in his cheeks and asks is if I shaved my legs today.

I have no intentions of going after the highly available, hot, young doctor. But, I did make a friend that I can laugh with and learn from at the same time.

"Littering"

It never fails that I get a good laugh out of everyday life. I thought when I had to come home and tell my husband that I had a bad day... It is bad. In reality they are not even worth mentioning compared to some people I know. Upon this abrupt realization... I just laugh!

It was a few days ago, when I was at work putting away the laundry. My co-worker, we'll call her "Slick", took it upon her dear heart to empty and clean all the cat litter boxes in the community. Just so you can visualize this... we have about 10 litter boxes posted around the community for our two mangy cats, "Rico" & "Suave".

After painstakingly handling several piles of @#*T out of their boxes and into the large black garbage bag. Next, she put all the fresh boxes back into their proper spots. She then proceeds to dispose of this large black garbage bag full of cat @#*T and litter by tieing it up and hauling it down to the main garbage bin, which is about 200 Ft away.

I thought nothing of it and continued to put my freshly folded laundry away into each of our elders closets. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed a line on the carpet....................

My eyes examined further.................. to discover that ........ Oh my gosh!

Before I could say anything to her... The bag burst open and...

all that cat @#*T and litter was spread everywhere in the middle of the floor. Yes, it was a carpeted floor also! And yes it was in front of the nursing station, spread about 30 ft down the hall.

Call me evil but, I busted out laughing!! I couldn't stop... I have never, in all my life, ever thought I would witness 50lbs of cat @#*T being spread across the floor!
One little trail that lead to the big surprise.

Due to the fact that I'm allergic to cats, their danders and bodily fluids, I didn't take part in cleaning it up. I did hold the bag open though.

Needless to say, I never did stop laughing that day...
And for "slick"...
Well...
the name stuck!

Farts!

Farting is a universal embarrassment all over the world. We all do it, and yes, it's always embarrassing (unless your alone). I have classified them in order to express the different forms of this natural occurance. Feel free to give me more ideas to add to this:

Plain Jane> One-second duration, nice resonant reverberation, and pungent odor cloud with a nearly instantaneous 5-foot radius. Your standard, everyday, friendly fart.

Beefy One> Sounds loud and butch, e.g., 'BRAAAMMPPP!' Smells like a cross between a decaying meadow muffin on a hot day and a fresh dog-turd.

Eggy> Smells very much like rotten eggs. A powerful odor which tends to put people off lunch. Often rips out in the fashion of a Bunbuster (see below).

Ripper> Sends seismic ripples to the next town. Rips the seams in the crotch of your pants. This fart genuinely hurts, and you can still feel it 20 minutes later. Anyone sitting nearby may experience hearing loss.

Surprise!> You didn't even know that it was there, but suddenly . . . 'BRRMP!

Squeaky> Puny and unsatisfying. Sounds a bit like a muffled "Wheeeek", but smells foul.

Worrier> The kind that seems to be a fart right up to the point at which you release it. At this stage, matters become less sure, as it feels too solid for comfort. You go to the bathroom and check your underpants at the first possible opportunity.

Not Now Please!> You feel the presence of a mighty fart but are unable to release it due to your situation (first date, new customer, important business meeting, etc.). You clench your buttocks together so hard you nearly have a stroke, and wait for the pressure to subside. Success depends upon a number of factors, but in the end you're probably going to have to face the music (literally). Or you can try the stealth approach (see below).

Who, Me?> You let it out as silently as possible and nobody hears it. You discreetly take deep sniffs and smell nothing. You think you got away with it. But 30 seconds later, as if released from a stasis field, everybody starts to cough and splutter. You point to the person next to you and try to look innocent.

Poopie Prelude> It feels like it's going to be a large beefy one, but out comes a tiny little squeaker fart plus the head of something massive. You tense your buttocks fast, lest you give birth to the brown equivalent of a zeppelin.

Blanket Ripping> Farting in bed and then pulling back the covers and sniffing one's own fart is a perfectly acceptable practice. However, pushing your loved one's head under (or Dutch-ovening) must rank as a crime against humanity! This is a very common male habit and I cannot stress enough that it is very unpleasant for the victim.

And last but not least, my most favorite of all types:
The Bathtub Fart>
People who would never in their life know one fart from another, who would like to act like farts don't exist, will have to admit that a Bathtub Fart is something special. It is the only fart you can see! What you see is the bubbles. The Bathtub Fart can be either single or multiple noted and fair or foul as to odor, it makes no difference. The farter's location is what does it. Maybe there is a kind of muffled pong and one big bubble. Or there may be a ping ping ping and a bunch of bubbles. The sound I should point out depends somewhat on the depth of the water and even more on the tub. If it is one of those big old heavy tubs with the funny legs you can get terrific sound effects. While one of the new thin ones half buried in the floor can be disappointing. But either way, as long as the water is deep enough, whatever the sound, up comes the bubble or bubbles and you have to be quick but glance back over your shoulder and you have seen it, the Bathtub Fart, the most positively identifiable fart known to man. It is a common fart and strictly for your own enjoyment unless you are a kid still young enough to take baths with your friends.

An interesting fact:
The average numer of farts per day: Men 15-17 / Women 8-9

Little Critter

One of my most embarrassing moment as a teenager is one that I will never forget, due to the fact that I am a parent know too.

When I was about 16, I was dating this gorgeous guy that my mother liked very much. He was respectful, intelligent, did I mention... Gorgeous! Anyways, he was usually at my house until late at night. We would stay in my room and talk, listen to music, and put together puzzles.

I will be telling this story from my mothers point of view, as if she were telling it.

I had come home from wok one night, as I usually did about 11:00 pm. After putting my groceries away and letting the dog out, I went upstairs to change clothes in my bedroom.
About half way up the stairs, I heard this, squeaking noise... sqeeeekk, sqweeekkk...
I thought to myself, "that daughter of mine had better not being doing what I think she's doing in there". The noise had then stopped and I didn't think anymore about it. I could hear them talking in her bedroom, so I left it alone an thought maybe it was something different.

The next night, when I came home, the same thing. I had sat in my room and listened to the squeaking noise for quite some time. Trying to ignore what I thought, I turned on the t.v. to take my mind off of it. I didn't want to impose on her personal affairs. Later, I heard my daughter's boyfriend leave for the night and she was fast asleep.

The morning after, we talked about birth control over breakfast. My daughter gave me the "I know" attitude and ensured me that she would let me know when it was time to start those precautions.

Of course, the night after that, when I came home from work. I noticed that her boyfriends car was there. I thought it would be a good idea to knock on the door, and we all could talk about the "sex" thing.

Until...

I came up the stairs, and I heard it again! Sqeeeeekkk... This time I was so mad that I sat outside my bedroom until the squeaking stopped and pounded on the door. My daughter opened up the door and greeted me with a warm smile, as did her boyfriend. I noticed that they had been painting a picture on the wall and had paint all over them. At this point, I thought, "there is no way they could of been having sex, because they couldn't have got dressed and started painting that fast".
I proceeded to ignore it and asked them if they were hungary.

But, later on, I noticed it again. At this point I was not going to stand for this type of behavior in my house! I marched upstairs... opened the door... and there they were....

Painting!

My daughter, in confusion, asked me what I was doing. I was dumbfounded!
Next, I proceeded to explain to her that I thought they were having sex in her bedroom for the last three nights.

In much embarrassment, my daughter pointed over at the hampster cage in the corner of the sitting room, just outside her bedroom. It was just the hampster, spinning in his wheel...

The Whole Time!

What's Your Name?

When we are born, we are all given a name, which we have for the rest of our lives. Some people like their name, others do not, and there are some that are just plain embarrassing. In my life I have heard some very unusual names, that I would like to share.

In my school years, there was a girl with the name Laya, her last name is Mann. Any time someone was talking about Laya Mann, the name thing is talked about. Let me say that becoming a teenager was not an easy thing. Especially when it came to dating. I mean, what were her parents thinking when they filled out that birth certificate.

Then there was the nice lady who worked at the post office, her name was Anita Dick. Yes, she was listed in the phone book too! I can remember prank calling her a few times in my teen years. We would ask her if she was Anita Dick, When she said "yes", we would giggle and hang up. Poor lady! Everybody in the county knows who she is and her name is mentioned still to this day.

My dad works with a very short, fat man who wears a hard hat and runs the conveyer belts. His name is Richard Head. He is so short that when he walks behind the conveyers, all you can see is his hard hat bobbing up and down. Well, of course everyone calls him Dick! Lorna, the secretary of the company, will call over the intercom when someone is needed for this or that. This lady talks like she has a clothes pin on her nose and every time I hear her talk I can't help but laugh. Anyways, Lorna will call for "Dick Head" over the intercom and everyone will give him crap about it. But, he laughs right along with them, as it is no big deal.

The most embarrassing names I ever heard by far, come from my mom's high school years. Mind you that was in the 60's, and I think that a lot of people did too much wacky tabacky. My mom went to Aitkin High School, and in the 9th grade a set of twin had been enrolled into class. They were girls, both identical and very homely looking. The ones name was Ima, and the others name was Ura, and their last name... Was Hogg. Yes, that's right, Ima Hogg and Ura Hogg! If that doesn't top the list for most embarrassing names, I don't know what does. Lets say that these girls were heavily insulted growing up. But they seemed to take pride in their being different and made it a point to let people know that they were proud of who they were and of what their names were.

What are peoples motives for choosing these names? We may never know, but I do know that if there were not names like these, there would be no blog about this embarrassing subject.

Do you know of someone that has a very bizarre name?